There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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