I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
