I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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