Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
