I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
