Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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