I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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