You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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