I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
