Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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