I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
