2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
