ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
