youre lurking in front of me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
