She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
