And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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