I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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