if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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