Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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