I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
