I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
