Ketchup is God's man juice
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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