"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
