Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
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I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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