Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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