I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
