So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He felt like a one man threesome
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
