my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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