She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Congratulations! We have a period
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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