this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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