I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
