You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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