I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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