tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
