so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
