i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
