Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
my liver is dry heaving
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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