I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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