I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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