When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
