winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
