The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I have demons in me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
