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So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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