Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
