she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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