I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
