ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
