I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Randomize
