My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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