my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
