Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
