Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
