When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
