I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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