why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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