I bet he comes in French.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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