ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
