I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
