ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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